Thanks to new technology developed by DARPA, the U.S. government is now able to predict mass shootings in America ahead of time and offer explanations in advance, the National Security Agency announced Mar. 31.
This will eliminate mass panic when these shootings occur, and help people to understand whom to direct their fear and anger at in the aftermath.
The Director of the NSA then made a statement regarding a future mass shooting spree.
“In approximately three months there will be a mass shooting,” he said. “It will be carried out by a single radical muslim. He will have been able to smuggle automatic weapons into the county because of Canada’s lax border security.”
The director continued.
“It will highlight America’s vulnerability to extremists, and drive home the need for more security. Coincidentally, this will happen just as gun control laws are being voted on in the Senate. Americans should be cautious of Muslims after this event, and rally for more gun control. They should monitor their muslim coworkers more closely and report any suspicious behaviour to the NSA.”
At the press conference, one journalist questioned whether or not all of this was ridiculous and obviously baloney. The NSA Director’s response was short and direct.
“Listen guy, do you want to end up in Guantanamo Bay? Then shut the **** up”.