MLB plans to “stimulate” fans

Major League Baseball has unveiled a pilot program to improve the fan experience at games this season by offering high-quality amphetamines at the turnstile.

Fans will be able to choose from a variety of amphetamines including bennies, blue mollies, cartwheels, supper jellies, sparkles, eye poppers and fast-lightnings.  The price of one dose will now be included in all stadium ticket prices.

Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Selig announced the plan to a packed house in the lobby of MLB headquarters in New York City.  Selig said the use of stimulants like amphetamines is the next way the league can use drugs to make baseball seem interesting.

Bud Selig threatens to throw a baseball at a sleeping fan during his press conference at MLB headquarters in NYC.
Bud Selig threatens to throw a baseball at a sleeping fan during his press conference at MLB headquarters in NYC.

“Steroid use by players was such a fantastically successful way to make the game entertaining, so we decided to expand the use of drugs in baseball for the 2014 season.  Since it made such a positive improvement on the players it was a no-brainer to use drugs to improve our fans.   I have no doubt that people will now start to enjoy taking their kids to baseball games,” said Selig.

The plan comes after a new report on the incidence of narcolepsy at baseball stadiums was released by the University of Phoenix yesterday.  That report found narcolepsy in stadiums is on the rise, increasing from 64 per cent in 2005 to an astounding 87 per cent in 2012.

So far, the plan has received a lot of support from players who are concerned with the high incidence of sleep-related injuries in stadiums.  Cubs player Jimmy Dugan spoke on behalf of the players.

Legendary baseball manager Buzz Killington argues baseball being boring is a tradition.

“Sometimes I hit one into the bleachers and some jag takes it in the face just because he can’t keep his eyes open.  The ballpark isn’t a place for napping and there’s no crying in baseball!  I just really hate it when I do something cool only to have half the stadium miss the play.  It’s like they don’t even understand they’re supposed to be watching us,” Dugan said.

Not all baseball players are in favour of the move.  Legendary early 20th century manager Buzz Killington once said sleeping in stadiums is common and should be embraced as part of the sport.  He tried to show that traditional entertainment can still be fun.

“Evening, everyone. I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings. Would you like to join me?  I hope you are all having a bully day,” said Killington.

The program will start on opening day weekend, April 4-6, at stadiums across North America.  More information on the terms and costs of the program are to be released next week.

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